


Unplanned

by mforpaul (Linde)



Category: Law & Order: SVU
Genre: Angst, Bisexuality, Coming Out, Developing Relationship, Domestic, Drama, Fluff, M/M, Meeting the Parents, Past Child Abuse, Surprises
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-10-27
Updated: 2018-11-22
Packaged: 2019-08-08 09:59:15
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 9
Words: 14,120
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16427225
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Linde/pseuds/mforpaul
Summary: This is basically a one shot of a cosy night in (as far as the boy's plans go), but there is a knock on the door and unannounced guests ensure that Raf's and Sonny's world is turned upside down.There is not a lot of action, but nearly every chapter contains a surpise. Check the tags, guys!





	1. Unannounced

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks to barbaesparza for betareading <3

* * *

 

_God_ , Rafael felt relaxed.

He even let out a heartfelt sigh when he rubbed the towel through his wet hair. He had allowed himself to stand a few minutes too long under the warm stream of water running over his slightly aching body soothing the post-coital stiffness of his muscles. The orgasm had been, by all sense of the word, mind-blowing.

Carisi was still sitting on the bed. His pale skin not lust flushed anymore, but the physical remainders of their recent activities still present across his chest.  
Carisi gave him a little head shake, probably going for punitive as Rafael had let him wait for his turn under the shower, but he was not able to hide his delight at the obvious satisfaction displayed on Rafael’s face.

“I ordered pizza”, Carisi informed him, putting his phone on the nightstand next to him. “I hope that’s okay.” Detective Carisi, even after sucking the hell out of his cock ever so polite.

“With come on you?”, Rafael raised his brow. Pizza sounded good. It was Friday evening, the week had been long and at ten o’clock, he was hungry.

“You know that Luigi can’t see me when I call, right?”, Carisi answered bemused. With a heavy sigh he lifted himself off the bed and rolled his shoulders in an attempt to get rid of some stiffness. Who could blame him, Rafael thought. Good performance comes with a prize.

With pleasure, Rafael thought about the Scotch in the kitchen which he was very sure Carisi had only bought for him. Rafael was curious to find out whatever excuse Carisi would give him later, when he’d asked him why he owns a bottle of liquor he didn’t drink, but is Rafael’s usual.

The evening promised to be simple and perfect. One orgasm down, they were going to eat and drink and then go for round two. The only thing standing in Rafael’s way this evening was his beloved camel colored suit that he had neatly hang over a chair in Carisi’s bedroom.

“Give me some pajama bottoms”, Rafael ordered, foregoing eventual shame or the possibility of appearing too sweet.

Carisi indeed drew his eye brows together, so that his impossibly blue eyes seemed even brighter. “Who are you and what have you done to Rafael Barba?”

“Shut up, I am not ruining my 2K suit with cheese crust from Luigi’s special ‘oh so thin’ pizza”, Rafael snapped while pulling on his boxers and undershirt.

“You can stay naked”, Carisi suggested honestly.

“When Luigi stands in the door to deliver his pizza, he can actually see me”, Rafael replied and took the grey sweatpants that Carisi was holding out for him. “And sweatpants don’t pass as pajama bottoms”, Rafael added, but put them on anyway without going into the depths of discussing fabrics and which ones were beneath him. Not even sweatpants were going to ruin his easy evening. He turned up the trousers legs, other than that the apparently nearly unworn sweatpants fitted well around his hips. Thankfully, Rafael also accepted an old burgundy hoodie that Carisi offered him even though he hadn’t ask for it. To his surprise the hoodie fit him well. Carisi must have read the surprise on his face, because he explained: “It shrank while washing.”  
“Why did you keep it then?”, Rafael asked while searching for his socks. He found them in front of the bed.  
“It was my favorite hoodie in college”, Carisi shrugged and finally headed towards the bathroom. “Who knew it would come in handy one day?”, he winked.

Carisi had already left the bedroom, so he couldn’t see Rafael rolling his eyes pointedly. So Rafael didn’t bother hiding how sweet he found Carisi’s gesture. The texture felt soft on his skin and he allowed himself to smell it. The hoodie didn’t really smell like Carisi, more like cheap detergent.

Rafael took a short moment alone to sink back into the sheets of Carisi’s bed or, as he should rather say, a mattress on a few wooden pallets. By all means, Rafael only had limited sympathy for self-made furniture, but he admitted that the mattress was soft and the sheets did smell of Carisi’s rich scent.

Suddenly, Rafael let out a chuckle. He imagined what he must look like in this moment. Him all stretched out on the self-made bed of a lover, in a hoodie _and_ sweatpants of a lover. Not even in college had he been this reckless. Let’s face it, he was literally wearing someone else’s clothes.

But this lover was especially gorgeous. Rafael closed his eyes and let his mind trail back to the memory of fifteen minutes ago when Carisi had gone down on him. The memory came easy to him, because everything around him smelled like the younger man. There was something extremely arousing in Carisi’s enthusiasm and eagerness to please…

With a sigh, Rafael got up from the bed and didn’t allow himself to think more about Carisi in bed. Instead, Rafael walked into the living area that contained an open kitchen. He helped himself to a Scotch. Rafael poured the amber liquid in a rock glass and tasted a generous mouthful. He loved how the heavy burn on his tongue travelled down his throat. But the whiskey hit his empty stomach hard. Rafael was really hungry by now. Luckily, Luigi’s pizza place is just a block away from Carisi’s apartment and the last and first time Rafael had spent the night here, they had also ordered their pizzas from Luigi’s and it had been delivered in no time.

The knock on the door gave him confidence that this again would be the case. With a light hop, Rafael closed the few steps between the open kitchen and the entrance door. Full of excited anticipation, he swung the door wide open.

Rafael ducked his head and froze in that position.

He looked into the blue eyes of a tall, grey-haired man. Linked in his arms was a tall woman. She was not as tall as the man, but still taller than Rafael. She had hazelnut eyes and had her probably white hair dyed blond. The elderly couple mirrored in their expression the surprise and shock Rafael felt.

There was no doubt that Carisi's parents in person were standing in front of him.


	2. Unaware

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As no hole in the floor appeared into which he could have fled, Rafael said to the two people in front of him: 'Mr. and Mrs. Carisi I assume.'"

* * *

 

To everyone’s misery, they were both dressed up. The white dress shirt underneath the brown ill-fitted three piece suit looked odd on Carisi Sr., but Mrs. Carisi had made a great choice in choosing a light red lipstick that harmonized well with her skirt and flowery blouse. Obviously, they must have caught a show somewhere in the city. In both hands, the woman held a Tupperware box of which the contents, so Rafael assumed from previous encounters with that very box at the precinct, must be lasagna. Had they taken a Tupperware box of lasagna into the theatre, Rafael wondered.

As no hole in the floor appeared into which he could have fled, Rafael said to the two people in front of him: “Mr. and Mrs. Carisi I assume.”  
“Yes”, the women’s voice answered. Rafael was putting a great effort into not looking into their faces directly, so he couldn’t quite catch their expression. Nevertheless, Rafael very well noticed that they offered him no explanation over why they were knocking on their son’s door on a Friday evening unannounced.  
For lack of options and most of all fathoming this is what Carisi would do – it was his flat after all – Rafael took a step aside and gestured them inside. “Come in, I guess.”

The size of Carisi’s flat coincided negatively with the awkwardness of the moment. Two steps and the Carisis were basically standing in the living room. Rafael put his hands in the pockets of their son’s sweatpants, wishing he could hide his whole self in there. And after twenty one years of running his mouth as a lawyer, he found nothing, absolutely nothing that he could say in this moment.

Rafael felt how the Carisi couple scrutinized him from head to toe. His socks were sky blue, they had matched his tie, but they didn’t go well with the college burgundy hoodie he was wearing. Everything on Rafael was out of place.

“And you are?”, Mrs. Carisi asked finally.

“I’m Rafael Barba”, Rafael answered quickly without retrieving his hand out of the pocket to stretch it out. The situation felt much too casual for so much formalities. The fabric of the sweatpants felt odd on Rafael’s skin. Deliberately, Rafael didn’t offer any title explaining the relation he had with Carisi, mostly because neither he himself nor Carisi could name that relation.

Startled by the lack of a reaction to his words and the awkward silence that stretched into the room, Rafael added: “I actually know your daughter Bella, I prosecuted your son-in-law’s case.” Sex crimes, that makes everything less uncomfortable. Although never having met the Carisi parents during the trial, he was sure that they must have heard of him. Rafael slightly nodded to himself and bit the inside of his cheeks. Not knowing where to look at, he let his gaze trail through the room and ultimately down himself. “And I really wish, I wasn’t wearing sweatpants right now.”

Adding to his humiliation, the sweatpants read “Fordham”.

Nobody said anything. Silently, Rafael cursed the situation. When Rafael and Carisi had arrived in the flat earlier, they had went straight to the main event. So there had been no opportunity to turn on some music or the TV or anything that would make a sound. Plus, it was winter so all windows were shut. Not even New York City blessed the room with some street sounds. Basically, there was nothing else in this flat to hear despite the calming sounds of water coming from Carisi taking a shower.

Rafael sucked in a breath and turned his gaze to the ceiling. It was so obvious that he had just had sex with their son. Given that Carisi must have inherited his bright mind from somewhere, the Carisis must be more than able to put two and two together.

Their thing was going on for three months now. Rafael was slowly starting to realize that their relationship was not as casual as he had insisted it to be in the beginning. But he was very far away from saying that out loud or even silently admitting this to himself. More so, he was nowhere near meeting his parents. Of course, that goes without saying. So the unclearness of their arrangement plus the official casualty of their arrangement were just two major problems right now. The biggest problem was that Rafael knew from some very scarce, half drunken conversations that Carisi’s parents had absolutely no idea that their son was not just sleeping with women.

And goddammit, Rafael even had the trouser legs turned up.

Finally, Mrs. Carisi asked: “What are you doing here?”  
“We were going to have dinner”, Rafael answered. It was not the answer to the question Mrs. Carisi had asked, yet it was the truth. Once again, his answer demanded further explanation.

How come Rafael is answering the door while their son is having a shower?

“I thought you were the pizza man”, Rafael explained as though he needed to excuse himself for opening the door for them. But if he would have been in the right state of mind to check the peep hole before opening the door, he would have done exactly that: He would have not opened. He would have made Carisi come out of the shower and he would have literally hidden in the bedroom. Yes, behavior as such was not just out of Rafael’s comfort zone, it was totally beneath his dignity. But he would have done exactly that. Not just to spare Carisi from an unplanned come out, but also because he prefers people to have a better first impression of him than him in a post-orgasmic fashion faux pas.

The Carisis and Rafael stood where they were. No words exchanged. Rafael felt sharp eyes on himself. The eyes of the father, piercingly blue as his son’s, stung the most. In that moment, Rafael painfully realized that Carisi was about to have a long shower, maybe simply for taking revenge for Rafael having let him wait.

As if Mrs. Carisi could read Rafael’s thoughts, she asked: “Where’s Sonny?” An unnecessary question really with the soothing dripping of water clearly sounding from the bathroom.  
“He’s having a shower.” It was nearly a question. Stating the obvious, Rafael felt his own cheeks burn. Just in an attempt to abstract his own mind from the situation, he thought out the further explanation: “Carisi’s mouth worked me like a sin. I wanted to come on his face, but we had never done that before so I jerked off on his chest instead. Now he’s under the shower washing it away.” Even though Rafael was only thinking that, he loathed himself for his self-punishing tendencies.

That’s when it hit him. Carisi’s flat was really small. Really typically New York style small. It didn’t just not offer the comfort of hallways where someone could linger around in awkward situations like these, the door to the bathroom was located on one side of the living area and the door to the bedroom was located on the other end of the living room. Given the fact that Carisi thought they were alone and given the fact that he enjoys Rafael checking him out too much, the most likely scenario was that Carisi would come out of the shower naked.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, I for myself normally wouldn't mind Sonny coming out of the shower naked... let's see what happens. I promise some of the later chapters will be longer.
> 
> Thanks again to barbaesparza for betareading.
> 
> Thanks to everyone who is reading. Kudos and comments are love and to everyone who reached out to me on tumblr, it's amazing!


	3. Unknown

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> We will learn whether or not Sonny will come out of the shower naked, but after that puzzlement.

* * *

 

The most likely scenario was that Carisi would come out of the shower naked.

 _Naked_.

Cross the living area to his bedroom. All naked.

Rafael knew better than putting his hand to his forehead in desperation. For some reason, he didn’t want to make the obvious situation even more obvious by going into the bedroom, picking out some clothes (He had actually never seen the inside of Carisi’s closet) and slipping into the bathroom where Carisi was having the shower to put those clothes there for him to wear them before he’d come out and greet his parents.

The alternative clearly couldn’t happen either, so Rafael paid immense attention to the water sounds. Ready to shout something as soon as they’d stopped.

Unfortunately, the Carisis’ wandering stares distracted him too much to stay focused. He somehow felt like he was expected to say something, but yet again the situation seemed to explain itself.

Another negative of a small Brooklyn apartment: There was literally no place where Rafael could have gone to hide. Not to the bathroom obviously, not to the bedroom obviously. And they were already standing in the remaining space of the apartment.

Rafael forced himself to think about possible conversation topics. What would he talk about with them, if they would have met in literally any other circumstance? Somehow and maybe because he was a screwed up person after all, nothing else than sex crimes came to his mind. So only Tommy Sullivan’s trial remained to be his only idea for a conversation topic. But the Carisis were already confronted with their son’s sex life right here, they didn’t also have to think about their son-in-law having sex, being raped.

This is how he nearly missed it. Just when he thought about asking them which play they came from - and wasn’t that a brilliant question? -, the shower sounds had stopped. Thank god!  
“Cari- Sonny, you have guests”, Rafael shouted towards the bathroom. He offered the Carisis a short glance, but wasn’t able to sell his tensed lips as a smile.

Rafael sent a plea to the ceiling that Carisi had some clothes in the bathroom. Maybe his pajamas that he had taken off in there in the morning for taking a shower before work or maybe just dirty clothes from the laundry basket. Literally, anything would do.

Brutally, time stretched even longer in these two cursed minutes that Rafael and the Carisis silently listened to some vague rummaging sounds behind the bathroom door. Rafael was sure that all three of them didn’t know if they were more praying for Carisi to come out of the bathroom as soon as possible or for that he would wear something acceptable. Ultimately, they took the chance waiting.

Finally, the bathroom door opened. The click of the door-handle was the most welcoming sound in the world. And Carisi stepping out of this door appeared like a hero saving them all from this little tragedy going on in his own flat. Rafael could have sworn that he and the Carisis all let out a relieved sigh at the same time.

Much to Rafael’s dismay however, Carisi was wearing the same Fordham sweatpants that he was wearing, only in burgundy. On top, Carisi was wearing a grey long sleeve t-shirt. If possible, Rafael’s cheeks burned up even more. Not just that he was wearing Carisi’s clothes – and wasn’t that shame enough? – they looked like an old couple with enough lack of embarrassment to wear matching outfits.

“Ma, dad”, Carisi exclaimed. Obviously.

He passed Rafael to give his mother a kiss on the cheek and his father a short hug.  
“Sonny”, Mrs. Carisi simply said.  
“I didn’t expect you”, Carisi apologized. Obviously. “Whatcha guys doing here?”

In a Staten Island accent that beats Carisi’s own by far in thickness and richness, Mrs. Carisi started explaining them the events of the day that had led to them arriving in their son’s flat unannounced. Did she mean to apologize for it? Rafael didn’t know, but Mrs. Carisi might as well just kindly summarized her day: “You know our neighbor, Mrs. Castellano, three houses down on the other side of the road, she gave us these two tickets to this Broadway show. Because you know, her stoonad of a husband has diabetes but anyway he’s drinking at least three beers every evening, every evening! Could you imagine? Even though the doctor said that his blood sugar is like mad high, anyways… Mr. Castellano was feeling dizzy in the evening, a little light headed. They didn’t want to risk heading into the city. So, they offered us the tickets. Cause you know, that last time, a couple of weeks after Gina’s birthday, her oldest daughter was having her son baptized and I had made that tray of tiramisú for the party afterwards, without alcohol by the way cause the kids there were gonna eat it, too. I mean, I have never made virgin tiramisú for you guys and you turned out alright. But anyways! So she kinda wanted to thank me for that. Was ‘bout time. Anyway, I had already prepared lasagna for dinner, so I said to your pa: ‘That’s a great opportunity.’ Is what I said. First, we watch this show and then we gonna pop by you and bring you some lasagna.” Helplessly, she held up the Tupperware box.

All three men had listened to Mrs. Carisi’s story patiently and with varied amounts of attention. Mr. Carisi sent an apologizing smile towards Rafael. But Rafael was impressed. As absurd as this situation was, Mrs. Carisi had been able to ramble on for around two minutes without making any reference on what was going on right now. Nevertheless, Rafael answered Mr. Carisi with a small, but understanding nod.

“Hey, Ma, thanks… That’s great”, Carisi said in an unsure voice. “Um… we kinda ordered pizza, but… lasagna is always fit, right?” He looked his parents over. “Why are you still wearing your coats?” And he seriously, _seriously_ stole a small glance towards Rafael. What was he supposed to have done? It’s not his home. “Wait, lemme help ya with this.” Carisi took the Tupperware box out of his mother’s hand and helped his parents out of their coats. Rafael just stood helplessly where he stood. While Carisi’s good manners had thankfully given them a couple of more moments to avoid addressing the elephant in the room, they had unfortunately brought Carisi’s parents a serious step closer to staying for dinner. And Rafael had absolutely no intention of having dinner with his lover’s parents, none.

Even more than that, he had been promised a second round of sex that he didn’t want to miss out on.

“Well, um, you have met Rafael”, Carisi finally gestured towards Rafael who tried not to look at anyone in particular. In Carisi’s many, many stories about his family, of which Rafael had admittedly listened to only a few, Carisi had drawn a picture of a temperamental, very straight forward bunch of people. This is why it was beyond Rafael how patiently the Carisi couple were now awaiting their son’s explanation. “He was the prosecutor in Tommy’s trial”, Carisi stalled, following the same line of thought as Rafael.

“And…”, he made the word long.

“And, um, he’s….”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well, what is Rafael to Sonny? Good question, who knows? 
> 
> Stay tuned for Chapter 4 ;) And I again promise that some of the next chapters will be longer.
> 
> Most of all: I cannot say thank you enough to everyone who's commenting, kudosing, reaching out on Tumblr or simply reading the story. It means a lot to me. Shout out to y'all!
> 
> Thanks again to barbaesparza for betareading, I really think my writing has approved because of you.
> 
> Love loud!


	4. Unclear

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Support for the difficult dinner with Carisi's parents is what Sonny really needs from Rafael. But can Rafael give that to him?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I swear when I wrote that story, it was not so dramatic. But sometime during dividing it into chapters, posting it online, you guys commenting, it happened. I wrote a fucking soap opera. I'm sorry.

* * *

 

Silence filled the room.

Rafael was still busy keeping his hands in the pockets of the borrowed sweatpants and fixing his gaze on a spot somewhere on the wall across the room. It was not like himself and he wondered why. He had a silver tongue and didn’t fall short of arrogance, for Christ’s sake. It was not like him to be so _embarrassed_. To be nervous. To have his heart beating so loud.

“Rafael, would you say something?” Carisi’s voice reached his ears. Surprised, Rafael looked up only to realize that Carisi had been looking at him, inquiring.

“What should I say?”, Rafael replied without thinking. Only after saying the words out loud, he understood that Carisi had intended to leave it up to him to label their relation. While that was a very kind move on his part, Rafael still couldn’t have said: _‘We just fuck.’_ Which is the truth Rafael would have preferred to go by. And clearly, saying that they were just colleagues having dinner together was not exactly in the cards.

Carisi breathed out hard and turned to his parents. “Ma, dad, sorry, this is really not a good time, but would you excuse us for a second. Or a few minutes.” Carisi’s long legs had already overcome the few steps towards his bedroom, where he stood still, his palm spread on the ajar door. As Rafael was still trying to will himself out of the situation, he didn’t realize Carisi was waiting for him. Carisi sighed, stepped back into the living room and dragged Rafael by the sleeve into his bedroom.

Oh god, could he be anymore ashamed?

As abruptly as the embarrassment hit him it was exchanged by relief as quickly. The darkness and privacy of Carisi’s bedroom was the time out Rafael needed. He felt himself releasing a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“It’s not perfect, but this is as good a time as any”, Carisi started without preamble. “What are we doing?”

Rafael took another moment to enjoy the silence of this room. It was extremely small, like the rest of the flat. And it smelled like Carisi. Sweaty like the scent of a hardworking man, but then again the odor was sweet. Rich and charismatic. Rafael loved that scent. It had stayed on his bed sheets the few times that Carisi had stayed the night at his place. Now, after Rafael had had a shower and his cologne had worn off, he could swear that the smell of himself was mixed up with Carisi’s scent.

Sluggishly, Rafael looked up to Carisi. He found Carisi’s tall stature incredibly attractive, even if these blue eyes stared so intensely down on him. So Rafael allowed his eyes to trail over the lines of that beautiful face. He had gotten a bit too familiar with it.  
“What?”, Rafael asked dumbly.  
“This”, Carisi gestured between the two of them. “Us. What are we doing?”  
It took Rafael another moment to understand that Carisi was seriously intending to have this conversation with him while his parents were in the next room of this awfully small flat. They could probably hear them. Rafael didn’t know how old they were, but he didn’t want to put his odds on age induced hearing deterioration.  
“I am not having dinner with your parents”, Rafael answered. Of course, purposefully avoiding the answer to Carisi’s question.  
“Rafael, please, don’t _do_ that me”, Carisi looked desperate. “This is also not easy for me.”  
“Don’t you do that to _me_ ”, Rafael replied quickly.  
“Look, Rafael, I know this is not ideal”, Carisi started. Understatement of the century. “But that’s kinda my come out here and… actually, I would be happy if it wasn’t just about me, you know about what I like in bed. I mean, it’s quite nice to connect it with… with someone I care about.”

Rafael didn’t miss Carisi’s admission of affection, but it only made him feel sick in his stomach. He was not ready for this. Neither to hear about Carisi’s feelings nor to deal with his own. And he was in no state to be the fulfilling token to Carisi’s come out.

“We are just having… sex”, Rafael only mouth the last word, impossibly ashamed by the possibility that the Carisis in the next room could hear them. In twenty one years as an ADA, mostly prosecuting sex crimes, he had talked about every detail of sex in public and not once had he been so embarrassed saying the word out loud as he was now in Carisi’s bedroom despite it being just the two of them.

Carisi’s eyes were so blue. Deep and intense. And Rafael knew he had hurt them. But Carisi turned them away from him, only to swallow hard and relock them with Rafael’s green ones. “Look, is there any way we just forgo all of your commitment issues and whatever screwed you up and cut to the chase?”, Carisi pleaded. Rafael tilted his head, outraged really, he made it sound so easy. Was it?

Carisi placed his two hands on Rafael’s shoulders. The gesture was more an insisting one than a pleading one. Looking up to him, Carisi’s hooked nose seemed tender, together with his pink lips and sweet dimples Carisi’s face was an art work of loveliness. Rafael never knew that he had searched for it, but he felt safe.

There was a sweetness in their height difference. And Rafael hated himself for thinking that way. But like meshing gears in a clockwork didn’t it work well together that Carisi’s face looked softer when Rafael looked up to him and that Rafael felt protected when Carisi looked down to him?

Finally: “I cannot do this with your parents in the next room”, Rafael whispered.  
The blue eyes studied his face, Carisi’s big hands wandered to Rafael’s cheeks and pink lips pecked his gently. “Okay”, Carisi said. “Okay. I hate that we have no time, but I would really, really, really not like to introduce you as my hook-up.” The good Catholic boy of course. The thought only came to Rafael in this moment that more than keeping up appearance towards his parents, Carisi probably was that good Catholic boy who doesn’t just hook up.

And he looked at Rafael like a puppy, impossibly soft, impossibly pleading. And it scared Rafael that he himself felt it to be impossible for him to deny Carisi what he asked. So Rafael decided to later blame it on the lack of time they evidently had.  
“Okay, you can say boyfriend. To _them_ ”, Rafael insisted.  
How much Carisi’s face lightened up with a warm smile was absolutely worth it. “Thank you”, Carisi barely huffed, before kissing Rafael.

The kiss was enthusiastic on Carisi’s part, a much better way to say thank you than saying it, and on Rafael’s part the kiss just felt too good. Soon, their tongues met each other. Sonny’s hands cupped Rafael’s face firmly and Rafael melted into the touch. The only thing that kept their kisses from turning into something too wet was the ring of the doorbell. Rafael moaned, half turned on, half frustrated. This is when Luigi delivers his pizza?

His cheeks felt cold by the sudden loss of Carisi’s hold on them. Without a word, Carisi had slipped out of the bedroom and Rafael somehow felt dumbstruck still standing there in a kissing position only lacking a person to kiss.

He gathered himself quickly and rushed into the living room, exclaiming: “I got it!” He took his time fumbling for his wallet in his coat. Again, the Carisis only stood a few steps away from him so privacy was only imagined, but Mrs. Carisi helped Rafael by asking about which pizza they had ordered and a thousand details about Luigi’s pizza dough. When the pizza delivery guy, probably not Luigi himself, finally arrived at Carisi’s door, he only appeared mildly confused about the picture that was presented to him. Mother, father, son standing uncomfortably in the living area watching this old, grumpy man paying for their pizza. Rafael noted that the pizza delivery guy had dread locks and found himself to find that very unhygienic of a haircut to have in the food delivery business. Nevertheless, Rafael over tipped him shamelessly and earned a lazy, but honest: “Hey thanks, bro”. The pizza delivery guy ignored Rafael’s furrowed brow, an expression of his complete lack of understanding over why he should be identified as a brother by a twenty something half-black pizza delivery guy in Brooklyn, and waved into the Carisi crowd: “Have a nice evening you guys. See ya, Sonny.” In turn, Rafael felt absolutely no surprise over this all too familiar greeting and as if to affirm him, Carisi replied: “Bye, Terence. Thanks!”

The door shut with a sharp sound and left them back in silence. This time when Rafael returned to the tragedy, he had two boxes of pizza in front of him to shield him from more embarrassment.

Without further ado, Carisi said: “Well, Rafael is my boyfriend.”

Rafael felt like a fool, in his sweatpants and his hoodie. Wrong, Carisi’s sweatpants and Carisi’s hoodie. If someone could see him now. Pizza in his hands and being titled a boyfriend. He seemed to have entered not just a different world, but a different dimension.

If any of them had hoped to receive some Shakespearean drama on this revelation or at least some heartfelt Greek sobbing, they were disappointed. Whatever show the Carisis had had watched on Broadway, their son’s flat was not a continuation of any emotion displayed on stage. And who could blame them? Of course, the Carisis had understood that much already.

So Rafael said nothing and Carisi was polite: “I don’t know if it’s enough for all of us, but we can all have dinner together.” Hope laid heavier in these words than invitation. In an absent answer, his mother mumbled: “It’s so late, we had dinner already. You know your father, he can’t eat so late…” But Carisi insisted and his parents didn’t let him hanging.

Rafael was overwhelmed by the kindness displayed in front of him, so he coyly turned to Carisi: “I’m going to leave you alone.” He didn’t know whether or not he had whispered enough to make the Carisis not hear, but he was sure of the disappointment in Carisi’s face. Rafael very well knew how Carisi must feel like in this situation, he was probably scared to the bones. And yes, Rafael had let him use that expression. Boyfriend. It was supposed to make it easier for Carisi. In whatever way he expected. But Rafael himself had not been a token in the bargain. Carisi must have understood that much.

“And I don’t find a good reason why I shouldn't go back into the bedroom to get my pants.”

Everything was so obvious after all, why shouldn’t he say it out loud?

And Rafael fled into the darkness of the bedroom, taking Carisi’s hurt expression with him.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh no, Rafael wants to leave!
> 
> I'm deeply thankful for everyone reading and maybe even commenting or giving a kudos. I hope you all enjoy.
> 
> Be kind to one another and #resist!


	5. Unintended

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rafael was about to leave...

* * *

 

And Rafael fled into the darkness of the bedroom, taking Carisi’s hurt expression with him.

Rafael only guessed that becoming the good Catholic boy Carisi is must be a direct consequence of him growing up in a good Catholic family. And Rafael knew that Carisi loved that family with his whole being. That they caught their son with a man… for sure, Carisi must feel petrified about how his parents were going to react. Rafael closed his eyes. And doesn’t he know about this feeling? Hadn’t he wished back then to have someone by his side? Wouldn’t that had made it easier? But Rafael shook his head sharply. No, he cannot be a boyfriend or a friend or anyone who shares a greater amount of sentiment. It’s not in him.

It’s not in him. It’s not.

When Rafael tossed off that hoodie, from _college_ , he didn’t feel himself stripped off the guilt. He wore on his shirt and stroke his fingers over the soft fabric. The gesture lacked the usual comfort he felt from letting his fingers trail over the soothing silk of a tie.

They only had sex. He could very well go. Nobody would blame him for that.

He cannot just have dinner with parents. After sex. Nobody can expect that from him.

Rafael breathed in hard and squeezed his eyes shut. Then he exchanged the sweatpants for his suit trousers.

_This man!_

He simply slipped back into the living room. Rafael put on his most winning smile. He usually saved it for jurors, but he knew they all would need it now.

Carisi’s posture was stiff, the expression on his face tense. “So...”, he said. Rafael didn’t know how long he had been gone and what the Carisi had said to his parents, but Carisi was probably trying to put the shame on Rafael. Blame him for being a coward for leaving.

“I’m sorry, I just feel better not wearing sweatpants”, Rafael said instead. Ignoring all expressions thrown into the room, he added: “Shall we?”, gesturing to the dining table where two boxes of pizza dominated the pitiful entity of the Tupperware box.

Rafael chose to simply ignore the three wine glasses. “Does anyone want Scotch?”, he asked, not really expecting an answer. To everyone’s surprise it was Mrs. Carisi who answered without missing a beat: “Yes, please.”

Rafael sent her a smile. His Mami likes the kind of smile that drips success, that makes him look larger than life. Rafael felt that this was not the one to go for with Mrs. Carisi, so he chose his boyish, warm smile. The one that he used to spare for his Abuelita.

Without another word, he took the three wine glasses and went into the kitchen area. He left the three wine glasses on the counter and instead opened a kitchen cabinet and was happy to find another rock glass there. As if it was meant to be, he thought, when he took the glass out. That’s when he realized the label on this glass as well as the one Rafael was already using said “Lagavulin”. That’s not his usual Scotch. It hit Rafael that Carisi must have bought these two whiskey glasses new along with the bottle of Scotch. Probably in a special liquor store, maybe even the one three blocks away from the courthouse, next to that café which sells the overprized but extremely delicious coffee that Rafael keeps buying.

Rafael poured a generous amount of Scotch in both glasses and added some water for Mrs. Carisi, because this is how his mother likes her Scotch. Oh god, Rafael was sure that Carisi must have told him the name of his mother once, but nothing came to his mind. Cliché would suggest it must be Maria or Gina, but he knew Gina was the mean sister. And Bella was the one from the trial, the nicest and youngest. And there was another sister who does Zumba once a week and Carisi thinks that this sister should go more often if she wants to find a George Clooney. That’s all he remembers about the sisters. That and that the first pregnancy had been the hardest for Mrs. Carisi. If that information helps with anything. Rafael sighed when he took out two beers from the fridge. At least, he knows that the father’s name is Dominick Sr., if only by default.

The luxury of a full scholarship had spoiled him from the almost mandatory student experience as a waiter, so he only took one beer and Mrs. Carisi’s Scotch. He wasn’t able to carry more at once.  
“Here you go”, Rafael said softly when he pressed the Scotch into Mrs. Carisi’s hands who accepted it wordlessly. He turned sharply to hand the beer to Mr. Carisi. “Do you want a glass?”, Rafael asked politely, ignoring the fact that he acted like a host in his lover’s home. Mrs. Carisi is not the only mother who had taught her son manners, he thought conceitedly to himself. And indeed he felt a warm hand on the back of his biceps. His green eyes found Carisi’s who was smiling small and content. Rafael hated that something this small made his stomach flatter, but he knew that his decision to stay had been the right choice. He could deal with this, stupidly thankful Carisi, much better than with the alternative, deeply disappointed Carisi.  
“Yes, please”, Mr. Carisi answered, a little too loud. For a second, Rafael feared to have been so lost in his thoughts about Carisi that he had missed the first time Mr. Carisi had answered. But a look into Mr. Carisi’s face assured him that the father’s intention had been, more meekly, to disturb the little intimate moment in front of him.

Rafael cleared his throat, embarrassed, but stole a glance to Carisi anyway who only offered a sheepish look.  
“Why don’t we sit?”, Rafael asked into the room, to this unintended gathering of people who still stood uselessly next to the dining table. It was a plea really. Somehow this dinner had to start, otherwise they would never get it over with.  
“Yeah, sit down. I’ll get you your glass, dad”, Carisi said and quickly followed Rafael back into the kitchen area where Rafael reached for his Scotch. Carisi pressed himself against Rafael’s back and rested his hands on his hips. Although a hurried gesture, it didn’t lack intimacy. His parents a few steps away from them must be observing their son’s tenderness towards the older man. Obedient Sonny _my ass_ , Rafael thought delighted.  
“Thank you”, Carisi huffed into Rafael’s ear, before breaking the contact and picking up a glass for his father.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this chapter was not so dramatic. And very short. I hope you're not disappointed. But now the dinner will start and how is that going to turn out? There might be some good stuff coming...
> 
> Thanks to barbaesparza for betareading and everyone of you. I love your comments, it makes me so happy. I hope you enjoy, too.
> 
> Remember the fall of the Berlin Wall today 29 years ago, the beginning of ending seperation between east and west in Europe. It should remind us to not build walls again. And of course to be kind and loving and peaceful!


	6. Unacquainted

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> With the dinner comes the conversation.

The first ten minutes of the dinner were spent in silence, because Rafael and Carisi really needed to dig into the lasagna and because the Carisi couple probably didn’t know what to say. Or Mrs. Carisi didn’t know what to say because Rafael would take an educated guess that Mr. Carisi was not the talker in this family.

Regardless, Carisi Jr. wasn’t able to fool anyone. His posture was stiff and his food sloppily swallowed, a deep red flush positioned around Carisi’s neck. Rafael knew this flush from previous nights when he had whispered dirty words into Carisi’s ear. Rafael had taken absolute pleasure in the shy smile on Carisi’s lips, half ashamed half delighted. But now the flush was not born out of excitement, this time the flush arose from something simpler: fear. And the comprehension came with a sting to Rafael’s heart.

Carisi was scared shitless.

Mr. Carisi despite not being allowed to eat so late - by doctor’s advice due to high blood sugar as Rafael suddenly remembered from one of Carisi’s stories, if only because his own doctor gave him the same advice - helped himself to three slices of pizza. He could have had the courtesy to at least try a bite from his wife’s lasagna, but maybe he was exposed to it so much that he got tired of even something as delicious as Ma Carisi’s lasagna. Mrs. Carisi herself only took two polite bites of Luigi’s pizza before leaving the slice on her plate. Nonetheless, she emptied the scotch in no time.

Without being asked, her son got up to get her a refill.

When Carisi returned to put down the glass in front of her, Rafael detected the slight tremble of Carisi’s hand. Carisi sat down taking a new slice of pizza in his hand and spoke before he took the first bite: “I thought you guys would be madly shocked that I came out this late, but you seem to be taking it easy.”  
Mrs. Carisi huffed out a laugh, although a hysterical one it didn’t miss a bitter bite. “Oh Sonny, my dear son, after thirty eight years without coming up with a nice girl, we kinda already considered the possibility that you’re gay.”  
Rafael bit back his own smirk, but was almost sure he did a bad job for which he felt bad. But really, it was a valid question. Why hadn’t Carisi found a nice girl yet? Because truly, there was no person on this planet more meant and fitted to fulfill every romantic cliché, get married and become a father than Carisi.

Carisi on the other hand was very offended which, to be honest, was what he deserved to feel like. “I _do_ like girls”, he said. “I just hadn’t found _the one_.” Upon hearing those words, Rafael felt his cheeks burn up. “Person, I mean”, Carisi added.  
“What is that supposed to mean?”, Mrs. Carisi snapped at once. “You like girls?” she spat those words out with contempt. “As in you _could_ be with a woman instead?” Mrs. Carisi was polite enough to not look at Rafael when the last word left her mouth, but the implication was clearly understood which was why the insult was shamelessly spoken out and lingered in the room.

So the temper came from the mother, Rafael noted without bothering to feel offended and his suspicion was directly confirmed when Mr. Carisi sent Rafael an apologetic smile again. Rafael nodded understandingly. It was okay really, he also had a mother. Overreactions seemed to be a crucial item of a mother’s repertoire. And he had enough self-awareness to know that he was not the one to talk to about temper.

“It means, Ma, that I’m bisexual”, Carisi answered, forcibly calm.  
“Bisexual?” Mrs. Carisi repeated outraged. “Bisexual?” She pronounced the word in a way as if her son had just confessed to murder. “I wouldn’t have figured you for someone using such fancy words.”  
Rafael drew his eyebrows together. Her wanting a nice woman for her son instead of him was an insult that Rafael understood and could therefore accept. But the offense could reach a level where Rafael would choose not to ignore it again. And Carisi in the chair next to him obviously agreed. “What is that supposed to mean?” Carisi asked in a shaky voice that accompanied the flush starting to crawl into his face.  
“Bi?” Mrs. Carisi repeated. “Have you no control?”  
“What?” Carisi exclaimed and his eyes shone the most intense shade of blue that Rafael had ever seen on him. Rafael also leaned forward.  
“I think what your mother means is…” Mr. Carisi brought himself in with an authority that judging by his wife’s eyes rolling he couldn’t quite sell. “That some people use that word to vindicate their behavior.”  
“Vindicate…?” Carisi started, but was cut short by his mother.  
“And that these people have no boundaries”, Mrs. Carisi snapped.  
Rafael knew that the Carisis were technically talking about their son and technically about an image of a group of people that had nothing to do with the life he led, but the words started to creep their way into his chest and inflamed anger there.  
“What people?” Carisi spat out in response.  
“Bisexual people”, Mrs. Carisi clarified with a sharp voice. “I mean, if you fool around with everyone willing, you clearly must have no boundaries.” Mrs. Carisi tried to sell this sentence like a math teacher who merely pointed out the logical consequence of including brackets into an equation.  
Luckily Mr. Carisi was quick to add: “And we know you better than that, son.”

Carisi was apparently so taken aback that he only tilted his head without finding words.  
So Rafael found them for him: “Bisexuality is not an expression of sexual promiscuity.”  
Mrs. Carisi’s reply found him without missing a beat. “What is it then, Rafael?”, she shot at him. The way she said his first name, not even mentioning that she decided to use it in the first place, reminded Rafael too much of his own mother. Of course, where his Mami rolled the “r” sharply how it was meant to be, giving the name an edge, Mrs. Carisi had lazily softened his name to a lame American version. Nevertheless, the way she put intensity in his first name with her tone of voice was probably the same way she had addressed her own children many times before.  
“It’s just what you are”, Rafael answered simply. What depths he could have possibly unpacked, he didn’t know. But he felt that the sentence maybe seemed too commonplace, so he felt the need to add something more concrete, something more specific that the Carisis could grab, turn around in their hands and examine later. The lawyer in him reached out for the strongest argument he could find: “It’s the way god made us.” That should touch a nerve with the Carisis, he thought.  
And Carisi quickly jumped on the same train of thoughts. “It’s about falling in love with a person, not with a gender”, Carisi that old romantic added.

Mrs. Carisi let out a breath, an unflattering one, but Mr. Carisi was quick to give in: “We didn’t mean to be offensive.” He let his eyes trail over empty pizza boxes in search for more words. “But it’s hard to understand. You need to give us that. Even more so…” He looked his son straight in the eye. Rafael realized that the look lingered too long. It meant something that Rafael couldn’t grasp. Rafael knew Carisi was very close to his dad. Being far from having been close to his own one, Rafael couldn’t understand why Carisi’s shoulders relaxed under his father’s stare. “Even more so…” Mr. Carisi cleared his throat. “When it concerns your own son.” Mr. Carisi broke eye contact with his son and let his gaze linger on Rafael who felt his heart drop at the heavily kind gesture. If Mr. Carisi meant to transfer the sentiment he had exchanged with his son onto him, Rafael simply didn’t understand it and felt embarrassed for it. “There are all kinds of tolerant churches now”, he started, but didn’t continue the thought. Or maybe it was a conclusion.

Rafael let out a breath, maybe one that was a bit too demeaning. It was not important for him to find a church that matched his faith. But for the Carisis, so much as he knew, it might as well was.

Mrs. Carisi had her lips pressed together in a thin line. There was obviously something on her mind that she couldn’t grab. “Why didn’t you choose a woman then?” Before Rafael could throw in that Carisi didn’t choose anyone, but that they, the parents, in fact just accidently walked in on their evening which meant that Rafael could just be a random acquaintance, he bit on his tongue, remembering that this was what Carisi had wanted. To not just talk about who he slept with, but to make them understand that it was about what he felt, a part of who he was. And a person that meant something to him fulfilled that part very well.  
“I cannot change the way I feel, Ma”, Carisi answered, somewhat submissively. “It just happens.”  
“Have you never tried?”, his mother insisted.  
Carisi clearly searched for words. “I tried, Ma, hard. I always did. But I accepted myself a long time ago.” Spots of red had spread from the flush on Carisi’s neck into his face. Fear again.  
“And you just forgot to inform us?”, Mrs. Carisi hissed, crossing her arms in front of her chest.  
Carisi made a helpless gesture with his hands: “I didn’t know what to say. There was never someone I was with long enough that it was worth bringing it up.”  
“Worth bringing up? Worth…” Mrs. Carisi shrieked, but her husband was quick to interrupt with an ill-stated question: “So how long has this been going on with you two?” Mr. Carisi used a long finger to gesture between Rafael and his son.  
“Three months”, Carisi replied, breathing somewhat heavily.  
“Clearly not long enough for this”, Rafael gestured to the lasagna.

Mrs. Carisi set her keen gaze on Rafael as if she had just remembered that he was there, too. Well, indeed and unfortunately, he was.  
“How did your parents react when they found out?” she asked pointedly.  
Rafael’s corner of his mouth went up unintentionally. Although probably meant for encouragement of her own outrage, that was indeed a compassionate question. And Rafael saw a chance that the answer to this question despite Mrs. Carisi’s initial intention might help her son’s case.  
So he started answering truthfully: “Well, my mother struggled with it, because of her faith mainly. She’s also a Catholic. But I guess I have the bonus of being her only son and child, so she just loves me no matter what…” Mr. Carisi nodded to that, but Mrs. Carisi tried to keep a straight face. Carisi next to him swallowed hard. He held onto his fork with too much force. His thumb even turned white at the spot where it touched the cold metal. And because Rafael could basically feel Carisi’s disappointment over his parents’ reaction and because he could nearly smell his fear, Rafael decided to share a story which’s truth only his mother and his childhood friend Eddie knew. “And as for my father… He broke three of my ribs and my jaw.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks to barbaesparza for sacrificing her free periods to betaread.
> 
> Who recognized the teeny tiny Friends reference?
> 
> Thanks to everyone for reading, commenting, kudosing. I have a little surprise for you coming along with the next chapter. Be kind to one another!


	7. Unwilling

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Speaking out aloud what had happened raised Rafael’s heart rate unexpectedly. He felt something like a rush, a rush of blood chasing through his veins maybe. He felt his own flush burning down from his face and venturing across his chest. This was why he followed Carisi’s example and allocated his full attention to his fork."

* * *

 

Speaking out aloud what had happened raised Rafael’s heart rate unexpectedly. He felt something like a rush, a rush of blood chasing through his veins maybe. He felt his own flush burning down from his face and venturing across his chest. This was why he followed Carisi’s example and allocated his full attention to his fork. He dug the fork into the single, remaining piece of lasagna on his plate.

Still, he was very well aware of the three pairs of eyes pinned on him. He knew it was pity and even though he knew the pity was born out of compassion, a positive feeling not meant to offend him, he detested it. Despite spending his youth telling lies about his injuries, he had nevertheless earned enough of these pitying looks.

The more stunned Rafael was therefore by the warm, comforting feeling that started at the back of his hand, flowed through his arm and spread into his chest. The feeling had originated in the touch of Carisi’s hand that had cautiously placed itself on Rafael’s. Surprised, Rafael looked first at his hand and then into shades of sky blue. Carisi’s eyes didn’t show pity. They offered him confirmation.

 

_That shouldn’t have happened to you._

_You are not to blame._

_I would have helped you._

 

It felt like a three and half decade old knot untying under Carisi’s gaze. And yet, Rafael felt unease through the strong emotions that he was not just feeling, but also receiving.

He felt himself unable to handle any of this.

This was why Rafael broke the eye contact.

Silence dominated the table, until a soft voice spoke up.

“That’s not right”, Mr. Carisi said sincerely. Mrs. Carisi nodded small, but confirmatively.  
Swallowing the last cold bite of lasagna, Rafael gathered back his self-confidence. “That didn’t stop him”, he said and was startled by how fast Mr. Carisi interrupted him: “Hurting your children is never right.” He cleared his throat. “ _Violence_ is never right. As a father, you’re supposed to keep harm away from your family.” Authority was hardly the guiding force of his words, it was purer than that. It was empathy.  
“Well”, Rafael contemplated. “Mine didn’t know what a father is supposed to do then.” He didn’t mean to be bitter, it was a simple statement.

Rafael found himself unable to hold eye contact with Mr. Carisi, too, who was apparently a much stronger father than Rafael had expected. In an attempt to save face, he let his eyes trail away from Mr. Carisi ever so slowly. In the process, they found Mrs. Carisi. She had her eyes fixed on Rafael, it was stern and stark. The anger in her eyes was not gone, but it was somehow paralyzed. Her eyes, too, spoke words of understanding, of empathy. But her firm expression left no doubt that she didn’t allow Rafael to feel sorry. With her eyes still pinned on Rafael, she started speaking: “You will always be my son.”

Rafael blinked. _What? Like… what? Like because he’s their son’s boyfriend, or…?_

Mrs. Carisi’s eyes left Rafael and found her son’s. “And we will always love you.” _Oh_ , she didn’t mean him.

Mrs. Carisi reached out across the table to grab her son’s hand. She conjured a warm smile onto her face. “Don’t ever forget that, Sonny.”

It was like the flush of fear disappeared from Carisi’s neck within a second. A simple nod from Mr. Carisi who said nothing more than “yes, son” and Carisi relaxed. A genuine smile appeared on his face, filled with the greatest amount of relief.

Now Rafael almost felt jealous. It was that simple? A little horror story and the Carisis understood, analyzed and internalized the moral out of it? Where was all this thirty three years ago? The three ribs and the broken jaw happened on three different occasions. Rafael had left out a black eye and an incident after which he had peed blood for a week. Truth was, his father had mostly been not violent. But the worst had happened those five occasions.

But no, Rafael didn’t want to feel that way anymore. He didn’t want to think about how he had carried the broken jaw to Harvard and the black eye to his first day in the DA’s office. There was no more ghost haunting him. His mother had come to peace with it and so had he. Sort of. Peace was not the right word, but they had surely locked those memories somewhere they were hard to find. His father had never managed to make him feel ashamed for himself, only for having a father like him. And if this little story had helped Sonny, then at least something good had come out of it after all.

And Rafael thought this with some kind of relief.

“We will figure it out”, he heard Mrs. Carisi say. Rafael almost smirked. He had spent more than a decade after Yelina having discussions with his mother until she had “figured it out”. And to be honest, she had simply stopped asking and started to concentrate very hard on the fact that Rafael was her only son and child.

Rafael guessed that it must be, in a way, simply thirty three years later. _Thirty three years_ , Rafael wondered. Carisi was ten years younger than him and allowing him a generous amount of about ten years as an experimentation phase to figure out what he wants, Carisi was still more than a decade late with his coming out. But then again, at least waiting so long had given Carisi the advantage of time.

“I guess with that being said, we better drop it now”, Mrs. Carisi huffed. “So now one of you two handsome men get me another one of these”, she pointed to her empty glass. Instead of the embarrassment the two Carisi men felt, Rafael felt amused. By the way Mrs. Carisi had contorted her face with every sip of Scotch, Rafael had already figured that she was not used to hard liquor. This was why he fixed her next glass up with a generous amount of water and only a tiny drop of Scotch.

Her glass was emptied in a heartbeat nonetheless and Mr. Carisi announced: “We should get out of here. It’s late.” Indeed, both of the Carisi couple looked very tired around the eyes. And Rafael was more than glad that they were taking an early exit. These emotions, they made him feel exhausted.

When they got up from the table, Mrs. Carisi swayed a little on her legs. Instead of saying her goodbyes to Rafael, she leaned forward, nearly knocking Rafael off his feet and whispered in his ear: “I’ll kill you if you hurt him.”  
“Okay”, Rafael answered only.

He caught the look of Mr. Carisi who smiled apologetically. Rafael didn’t think anyone had heard what Mrs. Carisi had said, so he must be apologizing for his wife’s tipsiness. Rafael nodded understandingly, more than understandingly really. If Mr. Carisi knew what he had witnessed during decades of drunk Rita, he wouldn’t even bother.  
“It was nice meeting you”, Mr. Carisi said sincerely and shook Rafael’s hand with a firm grip.  
“Likewise”, Rafael answered.  
“I’ll make sure they get in the cab alright”, Carisi informed him and followed his parents out of the room.

When the entrance door shut, Rafael let out a deep breath and sank against the wall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Let's just all take a breath after that conversation.
> 
> The surprise is two more chapters! Yay! I had originally planned five chapters, then decided to make the chapters shorter and like that it was gonna be seven chapters, but while I was about to finish everything up I just kept going. I hope you'll continue to read.
> 
> Thanks to barbaesparza for betareading and the friends I found over writing Barisi. I cannot say enough how happy I am for everyone who reaches out for me in whatever way, it makes this whole writing experience really exciting. Stay peaceful!


	8. Uncalled

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> While Sonny tries to take a step back, Rafael just takes a long moment to calm down. (Finally no drama!)

* * *

 

Rafael still stood there, when Carisi reentered his flat a few minutes later.

Rafael hadn’t been aware that he was in the need of coming down from all these emotions that had flooded through him the last hour. He had found the abandoned flat inexplicably inviting to just allow himself to breathe and push all the thoughts out of his head until his mind was joyfully empty.

Carisi threw his keys in a bowl on the kitchen counter and just fell into Rafael’s arms. He ducked, laid his forehead on Rafael’s collarbone and wrapped his long arms strongly around his middle. He squeezed him. “Thank you”, Carisi mumbled against Rafael’s neck. “Thank you so much.” And Rafael hated himself for it, but he was embarrassed by the affection. Just because he had chosen Carisi’s thankfulness over his disappointment didn’t mean that Rafael didn’t feel unease with his deep sentiments. He felt overwhelmed by all of it. And he didn’t like it. So he tried to lower the emotions to a bearable level.  
“I deserve a real good blow job”, Rafael therefore answered. Sex instead of talking about feelings. Yeah, he was an asshole after all.

Because Rafael didn’t know what to do with his hands, he placed them lazily on Carisi’s shoulder. They usually didn’t hug and Rafael remembered why. Hugs were _heartfelt_ , much more than Rafael could handle. But in a way, Carisi made it easy for him.  
“You can get anything you want from me”, Carisi said pressing his nose even deeper in Rafael’s neck. There was nothing sexual in the statement, Carisi simply meant it. Rafael chuckled, not so much from the nasal tone in Carisi’s voice, but because of the nearly silly way Sonny was thankful. Carisi didn’t play coy, he was honest and not afraid. And wasn’t that admirable? Carisi was simply happy for the maybe generous, but yet not unexpected help Rafael had decided to give him tonight and without a detour over making excuses or feeling embarrassed, Carisi went straight to thanking him.  
Rafael sighed, _this_ was the way Sonny made it easy for him.  
So Rafael padded him on the shoulder and assured him. “It’s okay.” He even pressed a light kiss into Carisi’s hair.

And he even allowed this moment to linger. Sonny basically tried to disappear into Rafael’s neck. Rafael was still leaning against the wall next to the entrance door and Carisi’s body leant heavily on him. And somehow Rafael felt strangely happy with this weight.

But suddenly Rafael didn’t want Carisi to be thankful anymore. It was too much.

Rafael pushed his palms against Carisi’s shoulders and thereby freed him out of his humble position. Carisi also loosened his grip on Rafael, but only a little so to put some distance between them.

They both stared into each other’s eyes.

The casual ease was clearly gone now. After everything that had happened in the last hour, they couldn’t just go back to what they did before. Rafael knew that much. Not just because Carisi was appreciating it too much, more than that because what Rafael had done for him had come a little bit too deep from the heart.

They both studied each other’s faces. _What now?_ Rafael gazed into those bright blue eyes that seem to tell him the exact opposite of what he was thinking. _It’s fine_ , they seemed to say.

And Carisi was the one to speak first.

“About your dad…” Carisi wet his lips. “It must have been hard to bring that up and I just want you to know that it was really brave. And…” Slowly, the sweetest smile cracked into Carisi’s face. “You really saved my case with this.” He merely huffed the last words: “Thank you.” Rafael nodded. It _was_ worth something then. _Good_. Carisi kept talking: “I’m sorry that you were thrown into this… this whole mess this evening. And it won’t happen again. I mean, I don’t expect anything.” Rafael nodded again. Of course Carisi didn’t. He probably thought that he owed it to Rafael to not “expect anything”.

Rafael’s eyes went to Sonny’s mouth. Kissing should be different now. It must be, right?

And Carisi was the one to bend his head down. He caught Rafael in a shy kiss. His lips were soft, but the kiss was firm. Sonny cautiously cupped Rafael’s jaw and Rafael melted into the touch. There was no tongue and with that no arousal. But still Rafael found the kiss warm and pleasant.

And Carisi was the one to retreat his lips. Rafael’s eyelids were heavy, still longing after the ghost of intimacy that the feeling on his lips had provided. This was when Carisi gently cracked a shy smile. Rafael blinked and maybe Carisi took that as the cue to not push this moment too far. “Um…”, Carisi distracted. “Do you really want that blowjob, or…?” Rafael tilted his head slightly in disapproval. There was nothing sexy about that question. But actually, that offer sounded good, yes. Really good. Like exactly what he could need right now. So Rafael nodded.

Other than a few tender kisses along Rafael’s jawline while Carisi unbuttoned and peeled Rafael out of his shirt, Carisi went straight to it. Compared to their usual foreplay, that was also pretty unsexy. But it still felt good. Comforting even. Rafael leaned his head back against the wall against which he was still standing. He closed his eyes and simply gave himself to the sensation of Sonny’s mouth on him.

By the time he came with a shudder, Rafael felt relaxed. Again. And he was content.

Rafael only opened his eyes again when he felt Carisi’s face reappear on eye level. His lips were flushed, his eyes somewhat stunned. Around his mouth was a mess of saliva and come. A smile crept onto Rafael’s lips. This was Sonny Carisi drawing the sweetest picture Rafael had ever seen.

Softly, Rafael cupped his face and kissed Sonny. His tongue moved patiently along his lover’s lips and into his mouth. Rafael could swear to taste a hint of the lasagna there, but mostly he tasted the beer and first and foremost himself. After a while and Carisi may have not even noticed hands wandering down his body, Rafael’s fingers lazily started to play with Carisi’s fly. Even though that was enough to steal a moan from the younger man’s mouth, Carisi made a modest attempt to interrupt him: “Raf, you don’t have to do this.”  
Rafael let out a small laugh. “I like that you are thankful, but this is not a settlement, okay?” Rafael kissed the corner of Carisi’s mouth with relish. “Because there is absolutely no need for that.” He brushed his lips over Carisi’s to give the other corner of the mouth the same attention. Rafael’s lips skimmed over Carisi’s cheeks until they reached his ear. With a hot breath, Rafael whispered: “And there’s no way I’m saying no to a beautiful dick like yours.” Sonny moaned again and under the palm of Rafael’s hand that he had still placed on the other man’s fly, Rafael felt Carisi get hard within a second. Rafael smirked. He loved that.

He tried to not look so smug, but rather sexy when his lips left Carisi’s ear and Rafael looked into his face. Sonny had blushed deeply, his eyes were darkened in lust and he had an almost goofy grin on his face. Rafael loved that.

Gracelessly Rafael slid down the wall.

...

They were both sitting leaning against this wall, after they were done. Both men were only wearing boxers and were sitting on the floor. Shoulder to shoulder, thigh to thigh. Both men were staring into the dim light of the flat which was blissfully silent.

Too suddenly, the silence was interrupted by a heavy breath.  
“I’m _so_ relieved”, Carisi said.  
“You’re welcome”, Rafael answered and Carisi had to laugh at that. With a side glance, Rafael laughed along. He knew that this wasn’t what Carisi had meant. And the fool Rafael was, his stomach warmed up nevertheless.  
“No really, Raf…”, Carisi started but Rafael was quick to interrupt him. “Leave it finally”, he snapped. “You’re embarrassing yourself.”

Carisi sent him a side glance, somewhat affronted, but nodded. Rafael acknowledged how stupid his request really was. Det. Sonny Carisi letting something go? It was like telling someone not to think about elephants.

So back to silence they went. Whether it was the exhausting working week or the easing after sex, but both men felt too lazy to get up from the floor. Anyway, it was obvious that Carisi wanted to talk. Rafael felt him awkwardly repositioning himself, but he didn’t do Carisi the favor to ask him what he was thinking.

But at some point Carisi finally asked: “Did you like them?”  
“What?” Rafael replied confused.  
“My parents”, Carisi’s voice was even a bit shaky. It _was_ a stupid question, because it shouldn’t matter.

Nevertheless, Rafael found himself thinking about the answer, simply for the thrill of it. Because Rafael had actually never met parents in his whole life. To put it nicely, he had given up on the concept of relationships or dating decades ago. So the only parents of a partner he had ever met were Yelina’s. And he had known them a long time before he had started going out with her, because they had only lived a block away from Rafael’s old home and he had gone to school with Yelina.

So it was truly a weirdly absurd theoretical question, but yet a somehow very interesting one: What kind of in-laws would he like to have? Certainly not Catholic ones, never that. Or some with this accent, for that matter. Well, and it wouldn’t hurt if they’d be rich.

Anyhow, he had liked the bite in Mrs. Carisi. Whatever her first name is, Rafael realized that he hadn’t found out this evening. She had reminded him very much of his own mother who also had a tendency to become unnecessarily dramatic when it came to her son. Rafael had absolutely no doubt in his mind whatsoever that Mrs. Carisi wouldn’t even hesitate a second to actually, literally kill him if he’d hurt Sonny. And Rafael liked the thought that his mother would maybe do a similar thing.

Mr. Carisi on the other hand had touched something unknown in Rafael. He was far away from the father that he himself had had as well as any father of the friends he had gotten to know in the Bronx. Mr. Carisi was somehow _affectionate_ , sensitive and observant towards his son. The patience Mr. Carisi had displayed had deeply enthralled Rafael. Because Rafael knew Sonny and also taking into account how he had gotten to know his mother that evening and assuming that the three sisters were somewhere among the spectrum between Sonny and Mrs. Carisi, Rafael took an educated guess that he would lose his mind in this family every single day. But Mr. Carisi stayed calm. And the more Rafael thought about it, Sonny had inherited a great deal of this calmness. Yes, Carisi did have a heated temper like his mother, but he also knew when to stay calm and when to treat the people he loved with patience. With admiration Rafael apprehended that the Carisi couple’s son really did turn out very well.

“They’re a handful”, Rafael did answer lastly and Sonny looked at him expecting further explanation. “But so are you”, Rafael added instead. It was not meant as teasing, it was a simple observation.

Rafael felt Sonny’s eyes on him for a long moment, but Carisi finally turned away and said nothing. This gave Rafael the opportunity to keep following the line of imaginary questioning that Carisi had started. This was why he asked: “Do you think they liked me?” Carisi jerked his head to Rafael. Surprised. “I mean, despite me being male and all that”, Rafael added quickly.  
Carisi looked at Rafael for another long moment, but again he turned his gaze back to the small flat in front of him. “I guess so”, he answered.  
“You guess?” Rafael asked. Sonny should know him better than that.  
“I dunno, Ma was so furious. And I don’t think she liked that you talked back at her. I mean, that’s what my sisters did all their lives so…” Carisi gestured in the open. “But I think, Dad liked you for real.”  
Hearing that made Rafael so proud that he didn’t even dare to ask Carisi to elaborate further. “But he didn’t like the way you were all handsy on me”, Rafael commented instead with a small smirk.  
Carisi shrugged his shoulders. “That’s the way I would treat a partner…” Carisi bit his lips. He stole a glance to Rafael, afraid to have said the wrong thing. So he quickly changed the subject. “Anyway…”, Carisi made the word long. “You don’t have to worry about this again.”

Rafael bumped his head back against the wall again. His balls started to freeze, they should get up from this floor soon enough. He bit the inside of his cheek. Still, he could feel the rich, salty taste of Sonny in his mouth. Certainly, the taste was disgusting under objective viewpoints, but Rafael loved it nevertheless. Unfortunately, the taste turned sour if it stayed too long in the mouth before brushing one’s teeth. And Rafael was thinking about one special flavor that would perfectly help the taste in his mouth right now…  
“You know, if you really want to thank me…” Rafael started.  
“Yeah?”, and Carisi basically jumped up. The overeager puppy came to mind. And, obviously, Carisi had not let that topic go.  
“You will organize me chocolate from somewhere”, Rafael said.  
The biggest smile crossed Sonny’s face. “That can be arranged.” He jumped up and stretched out his hand to help Rafael back to his feet. “Go to bed, I’m coming”, Carisi suggested.

Well, Rafael didn’t need to be told _that_ twice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is my birthday present for you guys ;)
> 
> I will never get tired of thanking barbaesparza for her help and all of you who read and comment. You're the best!
> 
> Love loud!


	9. Unfinished

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The end!

So Rafael strode into the bedroom. He shivered a bit, November was not the right time to only stay in boxers. Nevertheless, Rafael decided to not put the hoodie or the sweatpants back on. Instead, he shoved those sweats that were still lying on the bed where he had taken them off earlier to the floor, because, let’s face it, neither did Carisi care what happened to his clothes nor were sweats worth to care for.

He placed a pillow against the wall, because that wonderful self-made bed of Carisi’s didn’t have a headboard. Rafael had understood that as a sign that Sonny may have been yet to explore all of his kinks.

Rafael had positioned himself with the back against the pillow and thrown the covers over his legs when Carisi came to the bedroom. In one hand he balanced a bottle of beer and a bar of chocolate and in the other hand he held a glass with a very generous ( _bless this man_ ) amount of Scotch. Rafael stretched out his legs comfortably. Yeah, that was about the evening he had had in mind.

Gladly, he welcomed the scotch into his hand and didn’t waste a second to lead it to his lips. The burn that followed down his throat was just as welcome. Ironic, really, or maybe just another sign of how screwed up he was that something this sharp soothed his nerves.

Carisi sat down on the bed cross-legged, apparently not as affected by the November weather as Rafael was, because Rafael detected no goosebumps. He felt old for his own vulnerability to the cold.

Carisi laid the bar of chocolate down between them. Rafael immediately recognized that it was his favorite. His favorite flavor and brand. Obviously, Carisi had pulled off some of his detective skills because this was the chocolate that was really his favorite and not the one he claimed it to be. In public, he only ate dark chocolate in an attempt to give himself an aura of a successful man with enough self-control to eat only sweets that were “healthy”, hence dark chocolate was the choice. But if he really wanted to give himself a treat, and only when he was alone in his office, he grabbed into the bottom drawer of his desk to get the real smut: milk chocolate with caramel and all. And this was the chocolate that was now lying between the two men on the bed. And Rafael couldn’t help but wonder how Carisi knew what was hidden in his bottom desk drawer.

Deciding to keep that particular question to himself so that he could make Carisi squirm at some other point in the future, Rafael tore open the paper of the chocolate bar. With relish, he ate right through half of the bar. Feeling his craving satisfied, he took another mouthful of his golden Scotch and before he could help himself, Rafael had already thought the thought: _Isn’t that man perfect?_

Rafael watched the other man who had also taken a few pieces from the chocolate. After all these years, Rafael knew him well enough to know that Carisi was probably trying to be polite by not speaking and even politer by not eating all the rest of the chocolate. Rafael appreciated both.

Openly, he let his eyes trail over Carisi’s attractive figure. After the shower his hair had stayed product free, a look Rafael liked on him very much.

He watched Carisi as he took deep gulps of beer.  
“Chocolate and beer?” Rafael asked with a furrowed brow.  
Sonny grinned and only shrugged his shoulders.  
Rafael raised his glass. “You know whiskey and chocolate actually go well together.”  
“I just don’t like whiskey”, Carisi slightly shook his head.

_In my mouth you do._

“Why did you buy two rock glasses then?” Rafael asked.  
Carisi blushed, realizing that Rafael had caught him in too much of a considerate gesture. To Rafael’s surprise, Carisi didn’t deny it. “I guessed if I buy whiskey I might as well buy the right glasses to go with it.” Carisi offered Rafael a sheepish smile.  
“Yes, but why two? You don’t drink Scotch”, Rafael pressed.  
“Well…” Carisi stopped, looking at Rafael a little puzzled as if he didn’t understand the question. “I’m not just gonna buy one”, Carisi said as if that explained everything. “And luckily I did.” He jerked his head towards the living area where his mother had drunk Scotch not even an hour ago.

The concept Carisi was referring to was foreign to Rafael. It was as if Carisi was not able to think about people drinking other than in pairs. As if he always thought of people bound to others. Carisi probably couldn’t bear to look at a single rock glass in his kitchen cabinet without feeling pity. Or maybe Rafael had just spent too much time of his life drinking alone.

Rafael raised a brow but they were interrupted by an incoming text messages on Carisi’s phone. “Teresa picked them up from the ferry”, Carisi explained to Rafael. He couldn’t care less, but nodded all the same. At least, Rafael had learned the name of the third sister.

According to a few more pings, several more texts arrived on Carisi’s phone through which he swished without much attention. But there seemed to be a particular text that made Carisi’s cheeks flush deep red.

Unfortunately as it was going to turn out, curiosity was not a state Rafael could live in which was why he asked: “What is it?”  
Carisi’s head jerked up with a puzzled look. If possible, the red in Carisi’s face even darkened, but he vehemently shook his head: “Nothing.”  
“Of course it’s not nothing”, Rafael said with an eye roll. “So just tell me.”  
“Nothing you need to worry about”, Carisi insisted again, a little too shy.  
“If I don’t need to worry, all the more reason to enlighten me”, Rafael said.  
“Um…” Sonny squirmed. “Ma asked… um… she asked, if… if you were gonna come to Sunday dinner.” Carisi quickly looked away with a sheepish smile.

Rafael’s eyes widened in shock. _These Carisis!_ It was unbelievable. They more or less walked in on them and they thought that made this whole thing official? Couldn’t they have picked up that he and Carisi only had a casual thing even despite the whole boyfriend lie?

“ _No_!” Rafael exclaimed, it was nearly a whimper.  
“Don’t worry”, Carisi said quickly. “I will excuse you.” He smiled at him again, all dimples and bright eyes which made Rafael wonder when that puppy eye look had started to work on him, because Rafael felt that he was a lot less outraged than he should be.

Carisi had returned his attention back to his phone, only to blush again.  
“Oh what now?”, Rafael winced.  
Carisi looked up to him and cleared his throat. “Um… she also wants your phone number.”  
“What?” Rafael was now genuinely frightened. “Why?”  
Carisi smiled shyly again, but Rafael saw right through him. Secretly, Carisi enjoyed the reactions from both his mother and him. “I guess, she wants to invite you for Sunday dinner personally”, Carisi shrugged his shoulders.

Rafael tilted his head. Carisi had obviously tried to choose his words wisely which was why Rafael concluded that Ma was intending to give him an extension of the _If you hurt him I’ll kill you_ speech.  
“No”, Rafael insisted as firmly as he could manage.  
“Of course not”, Carisi affirmed. “Don’t worry, I got it.” He nodded towards the phone.

Rafael stared at Sonny for another long moment, trying to understand what was happening.

Then he ate the rest of the chocolate.

Rafael imagined himself telling this story to Eddie. Usually, he discussed lovers, especially male ones, with Rita but she was, to put it nicely, a bitch about everything and Rafael had decided that Sonny deserved better than that. Obviously, he couldn’t talk to Liv about him with her being Carisi’s boss and all. That left Eddie who Rafael didn’t see very often, but who knew him very well nonetheless. Rafael imagined Eddie laughing with a monstrous gale of laughter. He would laugh about the sweatpants, the self-made bed and the lasagna. Then Rafael tried to imagine Eddie’s face but when he did so, suddenly he didn’t see laughter in his friend’s face anymore. He saw a warm smile: _“Y a ti qué bueno”_ , Eddie would probably say to him.

Rafael closed his eyes. Eddie had always told him to fight back, to use anything in the house as a weapon. That had not been the smart thing to do in his situation. His father had been wrestling since he was a child in Cuba up until he got sick. Not at age fifteen nor at age twenty five did Rafael ever even had a chance to stand a chance. Eddie had also told him to come over when his father got drunk which Rafael never did so as not to leave his mother alone.

It still hurt, Rafael realized. But by some fortunate twist of fate maybe, he wasn’t able stay on this train of thoughts for too long, because he felt a new glass of Scotch pressed into his hand.

Rafael opened his eyes and looked up. He found ocean blue eyes which rested on Rafael warmly. The ghost of a smile played around Sonny’s lips. Rafael hadn’t noticed that he had gone to the kitchen to get him a refill, maybe Rafael had even been close to dozing off. Sure as hell, he felt tired. What he did notice was that the glass again contained a very generous amount of Scotch. _Thankfully._  
“Are you trying to make me drunk?” Rafael asked lazily.  
“You deserve it”, Carisi replied. “And I don’t think three Scotch are enough to make you drunk.”  
Rafael held up his glass: “This alone qualifies as three glasses.”

Rafael couldn’t have explained how, but somehow they ended up under the blanket together cuddling. If it seemed logical that Carisi would repeat his humble gesture from before and snuggle himself into Rafael’s body, that was not the fact. After all that he had done this evening, Rafael somehow thought that he could reward himself by placing his head on Sonny’s chest, by being the one held. And while this was certainly a first for them, to lie in each other’s arms without the implication of sex, this whole thing of being held was a total first for Rafael.

And it felt great.

He had never lied on a chest before. Never had a warm body beneath him that he could lean onto, that kept him safe and sound. Sonny’s skin was warm, it smelled fresh like soap. The scent was almost as sweet as Sonny himself. His skin felt smooth against the stubbles in Rafael’s face. Rafael closed his eyes and gave himself into the sensation of the beating heart beneath him. The heart beat was strong and firm, but very fast. And Rafael liked the thought that Sonny was nervous for some reason, that some reason being him. Nonetheless the gentle but firm grip his arms held around Rafael’s shoulders didn’t confirm his suspicion. The grip was calm and confident. It was all in all lovely. Rafael pressed his nose into the soft foam of Sonny’s chest hair. He sighed. It was just a warm body, he could argue, it was just a comforting feeling, he could admit. But if he was honest to himself, he had barely ever felt this good in his life.

“We can stick with the boyfriend part”, Rafael quietly hummed.

Underneath him, Sonny froze. It took a long moment before he replied: “ _What_?”

Rafael sighed. He didn’t even know where that had come from, so he felt no urge to elaborate on it. “You heard me, Sonny, just take it.”

And Sonny really _giggled_. Gently Sonny pushed him a few centimeters away and lowered himself to Rafael’s eye level. “Who are you and what have you done to Rafael Barba?”

Rafael rolled his eyes, but Sonny interrupted him by catching his lips in a kiss.

And wasn’t that a nice thought, Rafael assumed, to be allowed to demand kisses whenever he wanted?

“I can’t believe this”, Sonny whispered against his mouth.  
“Just do”, Rafael replied while he brushed his lips over Sonny’s.  
“I just never thought…” Sonny rambled words between pecks. “You would want any of this… so it’s kinda… blowing… my mind right now.”  
Even though their lips rested against each other, Rafael rolled his eyes: “Don’t do this, Sonny, you’re embarrassing yourself.”  
“And you call me Sonny?” If possible, Sonny’s smile grew even wider.

Rafael just buried his nose back into Sonny’s neck. “Wow”, Sonny exclaimed one more time. “I-” but Sonny stopped himself. He pressed a kiss into Rafael’s hair. “I’m just so happy”, Sonny whispered. Yeah, Rafael was, too.

“But… Sonny, you have to be patient with me”, Rafael said. “You know, because of the commitment issues and all the things that screwed me up.”  
“Yeah, right”, Sonny chuckled, contently. “Sure, I can be patient. No problem.”

And Rafael hummed in approval.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was very close to writing an epilogue, but every story has to end at some point.
> 
> Thanks to barbaesparza for betareading, she really improved the story. Thanks to all the readers for sticking with me, you make everything better!
> 
> So what I have left to say: Rafael had to allow himself to be happy. Be kind to one another! Love loud!


End file.
